Cindy Houseman MS, NCC, LMHC, CADAC I – Executive Director – Tippecanoe County Court Services and Drug Court
I was born in 1952 in Indianapolis, Indiana. Both of my parents were alcoholics and hence, my maternal grandmother brought me home from the hospital. As my maternal grandparents raised me, I was not aware of the problems alcoholism had caused in my family. My grandparents were very nurturing and protective and I had no idea my situation was different until I went to school.
I learned that other children were living with their parents, and slowly, I began to get the idea that our situation was different. My grandparents never allowed alcohol in the home and went to church regularly. They taught me to excel in everything I did and when I won the Spelling Bee at our school, my grandparents were there. When I began to perform in TV commercials for our local station, it was my grandparents who took me and praised me. For all my dance recitals, my grandparents were there. I always felt very lucky to have such a secure home. I remember wondering why my parents never came to these events, but my grandmother had me involved in so many things, I didn’t have time to think about what was lacking.
When I was seven, my mother gave birth to my little brother. He immediately came to live with us and I would see my mother sporadically, but I knew she had a problem and that I was to always listen only to my grandparents. I didn’t know who the father of my brother was; I am not sure my mother knew, but we loved him and my grandmother who was about 60 years old then, let me help out a lot with watching him. I didn’t mind. He was cute and fun to be around. Later on my mother would have two more children, a daughter and a son. My sister came and lived with us and again, I got to play “mom”. It was great to have a little sister and since I was 11 when she was born, I took over caring for her. I named her Sheila Dawn, the name of my favorite doll. She stayed in my room and I fed, changed her and nurtured her the way my grandparents had nurtured me. By now my grandmother was 63 years old. She took in laundry and ironings to help with the bills. We owned a rental property in Indianapolis and my grandfather worked at Block’s department store (he had retired from the railroad) and took care of the rental property. We were not rich, but I don’t remember us wanting for anything. When I was twelve, my mother’s brother, George brought his children to live with us. His wife, my father’s sister, had died giving birth to her seventh child. She was diabetic and neither she nor the baby lived.
My grandmother said the children would live with us until, her oldest son, George, could get his life in order. He too, was an alcoholic, and my grandparents took in the children, fed them and clothed them. My cousins were with us for three years. My uncle remarried; quit drinking and joined Alcoholic’s Anonymous. I did not know much about that group but realized it was my uncle’s salvation.
My uncle took back his children, except for my cousin, George who continued to live with us. My uncle realized that I didn’t have my parents around because alcohol came first for them and he decided to take me to some open AA meetings so I could understand what the ‘disease’ concept was about and that my parents loved me, but they were sick.
During this time, I got to see my father maybe three to four times a year. He would promise to pick me up and I would wait all dressed up and ready to go. Most of the times, he would not show up. This happened several times. As a child, I didn’t quite understand, I only knew that it hurt. Going to meetings with my uncle helped me see that my mother and father’s behavior was not about me; it was about them and their disease.
When I was fourteen years old, my grandparents decided to move to Lafayette, Indiana so that my cousin and I could attend Jefferson High School and go on to Purdue University. My grandmother was sure I would win a scholarship. So the six of us, my brother, my sister, my grandparents, my cousin and I embarked on a new journey. I loved school and always excelled; my cousin, on the other hand, hated it. He did enough to get by, but wanted to get out of school as soon as possible. When he was old enough, he quit school and enrolled in the Marine Corps. Before long, he was fighting in Vietnam. I wrote him often and was so scared that he might get hurt. By this time, he was like a brother and I missed him terribly. In the meantime, my mother got pregnant with another child. She married the nicest man, Lynn. He was not the father of the child but promised he would take care of him. I remember going to their apartment in Lafayette and really enjoying talking to Lynn. He seemed like the father that I didn’t have.
My father in the meantime, married a woman named Chris who had five children of her own. She was a career woman and had moved up the corporate ladder at Eli Lilly in Indianapolis. She was head of the legal department. I remember when I met her at sixteen; I had made up my mind not to like her. I was jealous that my dad could spend all his time with his stepchildren, but could not be there for me. It was impossible not to like her, respect her and later on love her tremendously. She, like my grandmother, was one of the strong women in my life and both had a profound influence upon the woman I was to become.
My grandmother insisted that I could do and become anything I wanted. She told me I would be the first one in our family to graduate from college and that she was so proud of me for my achievements. My stepmother, Chris, encouraged me to set my goals high and follow through. I loved both of them and wanted to please both of them.
My mother, over our objections, divorced Lynn and brought my little brother home. By this time, my sister, Sheila, was seven, my brother, Brian was eleven and Brad, the baby was about three months old. Brad moved into my room and I tried to take care of him. By now I was getting resentful of my mother bringing home her children and the taking off. My grandmother was getting tired and contacted the welfare for help. When she did, the welfare decided that my grandparents were too old to raise Sheila or Brad and so they took them from us and they were adopted. To this day, I don’t know where my sister is, but Brad was adopted by some people in our church and we got to see him periodically.
When I was seventeen, I met and fell in love with a young man that had just moved to Lafayette from Arizona. I thought he was so worldly and was so excited to be with him. My cousin had gotten home from Vietnam. He was sent immediately to a naval hospital in Chicago because he had broken his back while on duty. When we got the telegram, my grandmother made me open it. I was scared that he had gotten killed and when I saw that he was in Chicago, I was so relieved that he was alive and we would be seeing him soon.
My best friend, Linda, was our pastor’s daughter. She came over frequently and when George got back to Lafayette, they began dating. He proposed and later they were married.
By now I had won a scholarship, but in March of my senior year, I found out I was going to have a baby. The baby’s father, Jerry, wanted us to get married. I knew I couldn’t do that and finish school. In the sixties, it was not permitted to be pregnant or married and remain in school. I hid the pregnancy, and Jerry and I eloped secretly in April. I made it through my last semester of school and graduated with the rest of my class. My father was much more involved in my life, thanks to Chris, and later, I planned a big wedding on my father’s birthday, June 21st. We were married and not long after the marriage I realized my husband had a drinking problem.
Our son was born in December and in January, keeping the promise I had made to my grandmother, I began at Purdue University. I majored in teaching, math and social studies, secondary level. My son was two weeks old, and I began working when he was six weeks old. I was working full-time, going to school full-time and I had a newborn. My husband, due to his drinking, was not much help. That first year of school, I remember being so tired. My grades were not that good and I was so disappointed in myself. Motherhood was difficult and although I should have been used to it, I was only frustrated and tired most of the time.
I went to my grandmother and told her I didn’t think I could finish college. She told me that was my decision, but I could never blame my son and that if I wanted to continue, she would help. My grandmother and I came up with a plan. I was to quit my full-time job, work part-time, and she would watch our son while I was at school and two nights a week, she would keep him overnight so that I could study and get rest. My grades immediately came up and I graduated with honors. I couldn’t find a teaching job and so I continued waiting tables until I could break into that market.
Our daughter was born in July of 1976. I was so happy that I now had a son and a daughter, but my husband’s drinking progressed and life was not good at our house. My husband finally decided to go get help and went in-patient to Kettle-Moraine Hospital for alcoholism. That is when I found Al-Anon. Although my husband’s sobriety did not last long, Al-Anon, a group for families of alcoholics, helped me quit feeling guilty about my husband’s drinking and to concentrate on feeling better about myself. This group promised to help me, but the group never promised to save my marriage. I heard many times in the group, that “marriages made in sickness, many times did not survive health”. I joined Al-Anon when our son was seven and our daughter was two. After several years of going to Al-Anon, a group of us started an Al-Ateen group for children of alcoholics and my children began to attend that group while I went to my Al-Anon meetings.
In 1986, I learned that my brother had AIDS and in 1987, he died. He was 27 years old. This was the hardest thing I had ever faced, but Al-Anon helped me through the grieving. The following year, I decided to file for divorce. I knew at that point, that I did not love my husband any more and that as I had grown in the program, we were in two entirely different places in our lives and that it was time for me to move on. This was a difficult decision, and I counseled with a minister for three years, prior to making it. My children, Lee and Trina, were seventeen and eleven. It was not easy for them and I tried to explain why it was necessary. My daughter understood and wanted me to leave because she was so tired of our fighting and was fearful that it could escalate into violence. My son felt sorry for his father and for a time went to live with him. He was with his father for about three weeks and then decided to move back in with his sister and me. We were a family again and I was scared and excited at the same time. I had gotten a job with the state and was working on the Subaru-Isuzu of America project. I made enough to support us and was relieved that there was no more fighting or drinking in our home.
The next two years were a period of real growth for me. I had met a wonderful man and in 1990, I remarried. We were a family and everything seemed good. My son moved to California with his uncle and got a job there. Later they moved to Las Vegas, and my son met and married a wonderful young woman. They are still married. My daughter graduated from high school and married the young man she had been dating. The next decade was full of work, school (I had gone back for my Master’s degree in Mental Health) and being a grandmother to my daughter’s children. While back at Purdue, I concentrated on children of alcoholics, knowing that my life and my children’s lives had been totally affected by the alcoholism. One of the major papers I wrote summarized a lot of research on children of alcoholics.
The research showed very clearly that genetics played a much larger role in alcoholism than originally thought. One study compared twins that were adopted, some into homes where alcoholism existed, and some into homes where it did not exist. If the biological parents were alcoholics, the children were four times more likely to become alcoholics themselves regardless of whether the adoptive parents were alcoholics or not.
I learned that alcoholism is a disease –a progressive, treatable illness in which the use of alcohol interferes with health, social and economic areas of a person’s life. If untreated, alcoholism will result in mental damage, physical incapacity and/or premature death. It is the number one drug problem in the United States. It is the third leading cause of death, after heart disease and cancer. It is the third leading cause of birth defects connected with mental retardation.
Children of alcoholics (COAs), according to research, tend to have fear of and anxiety about losing control. Financial difficulties, violent quarrels, physical illness and possibly death of an alcoholic parent all contribute to the anxiety in COAs. Most COAs adopt roles of survival in the alcoholic family. COAs are typically expected to preserve the illusion that everything is under control thereby denying the alcoholism. If they can convince others that their life is normal, then it validates the COAs perception that their life is normal. COAs tend to suffer from negative self-image that stems from their rigid perfectionism. They have a difficult time settling on careers because they are always looking for “that perfect job” and their identity is what they do, not who they are.
The COA is brought up in a family where denial of the problems of alcoholism and reality in general is common thereby distorting the child’s beliefs about self, relationships and the world in general. The failure of a preoccupied alcoholic parent to provide adequate mirroring leaves the child with an inadequately consolidated sense of self. Studies have shown that appropriate development of interpersonal boundaries is an important factor in the development of positive self-concept. In an alcoholic home, where the boundaries are violated, the results tend to be shame and self-deprecation.
Studies showed that being part of Al-Anon, Al-Ateen or therapeutic counseling groups helped COAs with better coping strategies, higher self-esteem and better attitudes about life and the future in general. This provides hope for breaking the cycle of addiction that is so prevalent in many families.
Al-Anon helped me with better coping strategies, a feeling of serenity and better self-esteem. In 1998, I received my Master’s Degree in mental health. About three years later, I was approached regarding taking the position of Director of Court Services, working with people that have alcohol or drug charges. I knew I was ready and in 2001 began working in the field. Currently, I have been there eight years and there is not a day that goes by that I do not learn something new. I love the job, love the challenges and hope that in some way, my background can help me make a difference for some of the people we serve.